This past year of my life I've really been struggling to find what I'm supposed to be here. This past year I've gone through so many changes in my attitude, my thoughts, and even my appearance. I've gone through judgments and people telling me they don't like how I've become.

This past year I've been trying so hard to be who society wants me to be, who I want me to be, and who God wants me to be.

Honestly, it's hard to even think about this year.

Everyday I've been praying that God will show me what he wants for me; for my future. One of my biggest fears is making one wrong choice in life and making it turn into something completely different than what He ultimately wants. It's not that I don't trust my life in God's hands and have faith in Him, it's just that I don't have faith in myself.
In January I started a one year Bible reading. I've kept up with it, knowing if I don't spend time with Jesus one day, I'll have to make up for it and read extra the next day.
My readings started out pretty slow, mainly because that's how I made them. I read them to get through them. Later on I found a study Bible and started using that, then I began taking notes on everything I read. During that time, I really started connected with God like I should be.

The past few years I've been so tied down by my sin. Even though I knew I was forgiven by the grace of God, I never felt good enough for Him. Maybe I'm not, but I let my disgust of my sin control my whole life. I stopped trying to do anything, I guess, because I wasn't good enough. My sin weighed me down and stopped me from living right.

I don't know what happened, but suddenly I realized that my record is clear. I sin everyday, and I'm disgusting, but God is willing to look past that in me and love me the same.

That whole realization is only recent. And that's as far as I've gotten.

I don't know what I've been doing this year. I pray to God that I will be who He wants me to be, that I will live for Him. However, ultimately, I've still been living for myself.

The comments I've gotten from people, the talks people have given me, the accusations I've heard about me,  the whole high-schoolish gossip that I feel has been going on around everyone I'm close to about me, it all made me realize how I've changed, but also made me feel like people won't accept me anymore. I've felt so distant from the closest people to me. And I realize it's my fault for trying to be everything.

I'm aware that I've changed. It all came with good intentions of trying to be who God wants me to be, but being selfish, it became about myself.

I don't want to relive this year again. I guess this is my second round and I want to make it right this time. I'm ready to change, and not be selfish about it. I'm ready not to worry about society or myself, but only about God. I know my record is cleared now, I don't feel trapped anymore by my sin; nothing is stopping me this time.

I'll live for God now. Hopefully this time, I will change for the best. Hopefully this time, I won't feel ashamed. Maybe, I'll feel accepted. Maybe complaints from people about me will stop.

My only hope is that people will see Christ in me. That's all I want now. I want to be a witness. I want to be what every Christian is supposed to be. I want, more than ever, to be completely and totally Christ-like. This time, I want to turn out as a help and not a burden.

Even as I might have changed for the worst, Jesus was still my only form of help. I never needed a doctor, I never needed reminders, I only needed Jesus.

I guess, really, I know I haven't been easy this year. But, I want you all to have patience with me and not make me feel any worse about myself. I don't need people talking anymore. I don't need anymore questions.   And as I'm trying, and as I may fail, I want people to love me the same like Jesus does.